Recently, I was a part of a scenario that brought to my mind the amount of bravery that is required to offer without expecting anything in return. I was intensely aware that the type of love that is prepared to provide this kind of giving is something that few of us are familiar with, especially if it entails enduring personal sorrow in the course of that giving. I was conscious that this was the case. It’s possible that we give this remarkable capacity to those who we think are farther along on the emotional and spiritual development spectrum than the rest of us are. But based on my own experiences, both personally and professionally as a psychotherapist, I can say with certainty that this isn’t always the case. In point of fact, many instances of this one-of-a-kind gift of love come from people who, like the rest of us, battle with the same types of doubts and concerns. Why, then, is this kind of love so uncommon? There are probably several correct responses to this question, but one of them is, most certainly, that selfless giving involves a degree of self-forgetting that the majority of us find difficult to achieve. Another one of the correct responses is that there are probably several correct answers to this question. One of the defining characteristics of selfless giving is the fact that in the end, it is beneficial to both the giver and the recipient. This is in contrast to the many other types of giving that we either observe or participate in on a daily basis, some of which make the entire transaction unhealthy due to the costs borne by either the giver or the recipient. Giving when it costs the receiver could look something like this: an individual discovers that they are personally challenged to put the needs of another person ahead of their own needs, and unfortunately, the other person’s needs are in direct opposition to what the individual actually wants for themselves. Therefore, in order to find a way to get around this problem, the person gives, while at the same time making sure that the’recipient’ understands a) how much they are getting; b) how fortunate they are to be the recipient of this gift; and c) how much it ‘cost’ the giver to provide it in the first place. They get to bask in the praise, gratitude, and appreciation (either subtly or not so subtly exacted from the receiver), which they likely feel is sufficient reward for their sacrifice. In other words, the giver may not be able to get what they originally hoped for themselves by putting their needs aside. However, in the end, they don’t go away “empty-handed.” However, the cost of this “gift” to the recipient is almost always far more than the value of the “gift” in the first place. This is true in almost all cases. Therefore, because of this, the kind of martyrdom that I’m talking about is not the uncommon act of giving without expecting anything in return. Another example of giving, but this time when it costs the donor may be someone who learnt as a youngster, either directly or indirectly, that it is much more essential to attend to the need of others than it is to provide for one’s own requirements. This message seeps into the very fibers of their being over time, and as a consequence, these adults frequently let the ‘giving pendulum’ swing so far to one side that they invariably feel uncomfortable, even selfish, attending to any of their own personal needs or desires. This is because they have allowed the ‘giving pendulum’ to become so extreme on one side. Therefore, it is true that these individuals naturally give to others, but not necessarily with the intention of gaining ‘points’ from the recipient (or from others), but rather to conform with a stringent ethical and internal system that was established many years ago. As a consequence of this, the act of sacrificial giving, in particular when it results in severe bodily and/or emotional consequences to the donor over time, is not the uncommon act of selfless giving that I am referring to. Everyone has the potential to give without expecting anything in return, but to do so requires us to draw on the very finest aspects of who we are as individuals. It demands a level of awareness that allows us to view the environment and the people in it outside of the framework of who we are as individuals. …and by doing so, we enhance the chance of finding both the opportunity and the courage to give during times when this giving will unquestionably cause grief for us….and by giving, we raise the probability of finding both the opportunity and the courage to receive. Parenting our children, allowing them to grow up and make decisions for themselves, regardless of whether or not we agree with those decisions, is a form of selfless giving. So is making the difficult decision to put an end to the life of our much-loved family pet when the time has come for them to leave us. Despite the fact that it is the very last thing on earth that you want to do, another example of selfless giving is letting a partner go when you know that it is healthier for them to leave you rather than to stay in a relationship with you even though it is the very last thing on earth that you want to do. All that is required of us is to maintain awareness and a willingness to let the absolute best version of ourselves to emerge when the situation calls for it. If we do this, we will almost certainly be in for some discomfort, but we will also be preparing ourselves to receive one of the most priceless presents that life has to offer: the opportunity to feel love in its purest form. Have you ever heard of someone who gave without expecting anything in return?
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