In the beginning of this month, we discussed the first of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen, also known as communication habits that ultimately result in failure. The fact that gottman can forecast divorce with an accuracy rate of 91 percent is his claim to fame; he based his findings on the communication behaviors of married couples. The difficulty of communication lies in the fact that we are required to speak with other people at all times and in all circumstances. If we apply the things that Gottman teaches us about communication in marriage to the rest of our relationships, not only will it enhance our personal connections, but it will also improve our professional relationships and our own opinions of how much we are worth. The first two riders, criticism and scorn, were discussed in depth the previous month; this month, we will discuss the last two horsemen, defensiveness and stonewalling. Spend some time going over all four of them, and then talk about your communication with someone you can rely on. If you find that any of the four horsemen behaviors are present in any of your relationships, you should be aware that if you want to maintain the connection, the communication has to alter. defensiveness To be honest, the reason we feel the need to defend ourselves is often because we have the impression that we are being chastised or that our partner holds us in disdain. It seems to be nothing more sinister than a simple need to have our voices heard and to refuse to accept insults lying down. When we put up a defensive posture, what we really want is get the other person in the conversation to back off and maybe even apologize. It’s fascinating that despite the fact that it never turns out that way, we continue to seek it every time we become defensive. An debate is not helped by defensiveness; on the contrary, it is further exacerbated by defensiveness. In reality, this shifts the responsibility to our communication partner, which in turn heightens the tension between us. When you communicate in a defensive manner, you are often trying to distract attention away from the problem at hand and shift the focus of the debate to be on your partner. You should be aware of the issues that might arise from being defensive, and you should also be aware that if your true aim is to stop receiving criticism that you believe you are deserving of, becoming defensive will not convince your communication partner to see things from your point of view. To engage in stonewalling is essentially the same as describing oneself as a stone wall and refusing to engage in any kind of communication that may lead to a positive outcome. This is the kind of listener that is entirely uninterested in the talk or the debate and often simply looks away instead of paying attention to it. To the individual who is stonewalling, the behavior is only one of avoiding the conflict; but, when seen in the broader context, the action is one of avoiding the connection. Stonewalling is often done near the end of a relationship, in contrast to the other three horsemen, who may enter at any moment and in any sequence. This is due to the fact that the individual who is stonewalling has gotten overpowered by the first three horsemen, who seem to always come into action whenever there is an argument. Because the relationship has been in a downward spiral for an extended period of time, the mental and physical toll that comes with the disputes is just too much. If you or someone you care about is doing this in a relationship, it indicates that it is time to go back to fundamentals if you want to preserve the relationship. If you want to save the relationship, you need to get back to basics. If you want to enhance communication within the relationships you desire and need in your life, you should think about getting coaching from Edge of Change, either one-on-one or in a group setting.
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